Log in

No account? Create an account
behind the eyes [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Epic Road Trip Part 2 [09 Sep 2008|02:14pm]
alright, this is what it's looking like... obviously subject to change

monday september 22nd: Kansas City, MO

tuesday sept 23rd: Oklahoma City, OK

wednesday sept 24th - sunday sept 28th: Albuquerque/Santa Fe, NM

sunday sept 28th: Flagstaff, AZ

monday sept 29th: Los Angeles, CA

tuesday sept 30th - sunday oct 5th: San Francisco, CA

sunday oct 5th: Sacramento, CA

monday oct 6th: start NCCC

fuck, i should really start packing... oh well.
Comments: 1 dream - dream with me.

Slightly Epic and Ill-Planned Road Trip Part 1 [30 Jun 2008|11:35pm]
so yes, i haven't updated since march. i think a lot of us have let lj slide. except ella that is. hence i am inspired to write my slightly epic, but badly planned road trip entry:

July 2nd - drive to Kansas City, MO
July 3rd - drive to Oklahoma City, OK
July 4th and 5th - ICYPAA!!!!
July 6th - drive back to Kansas City
July 7th - drive back to Chicago
July 8th through 10th - get shit together
July 11th - drive to somewhere in Ohio (TBD)
July 12th - drive to White Plains, NY
July 13th through 17th - go around NY with Liz (TBD)
July 18th - go to Connecticut, introduce Liz to grandma
July 19 - take liz to airport, get the fuck out of connecticut
July 20 through August 9th 10th or 11th - Chill
sometime in that time period - take greyhound to toronto to see Eranthie
August 9th 10th or 11th - drive back to that undetermined place in Ohio, and then back to Chicago
August 12th - 18th birfday!!!
August 13th through 26th - chill
August 27th - 9 month anniversary (hopefully)
August 28th through 31st - party with peeps
September 1st - head out on epic road trip part 2

now, i am quite aware that a lot of this will not actually happen or change beyond recognition. considering most of the east cost trip i somewhat figured out today, i doubt this is actually what will happen. but at least its an idea. my life is currently up in the air. but, what is pretty much not up in the air is...

i will indeed be doing Americorps NCCC from October 16th until sometime in July of 2009. i will be based in sacramento, and they'll send me to wherever shit hits the fan. which may very well be everywhere. hopefully, i might even be able to establish residence there and will be able to vote in california, which, i think, will be pretty fuckin cool. especially because i think i can trust my current voting area to lean very heavily in whatever way i would want it to (in local and national elections (because my neighborhood is where Mr. Obama first became a politician and where he claims residence). it would also be pretty cool to be able to not vote for AH-NOLD. crazy bastard that he is. but who knows?

now of course, since i've said all of this, everything is going to happen the opposite of however i said it, just to spite me. because the world exists just to prove me wrong. :D

oh, and considering i might be doing my toronto trip while i'm in NY, i might be able to come to the 70th. but that is also to be determined at a later date.

so considering the vast amount of space i will be going i might be able to see all of you at one point or another (except for Ella who will probably be moving exactly opposite me at all times).

changes and updates to follow.
Comments: 2 dreams - dream with me.

there'll be new dreams, maybe better ones and pleanty... [25 Mar 2008|10:27pm]
i just got an email from cpc (because i emailed them to see if they got my job application since i sent it in 2 months ago) saying that they weren't going to hire me because i am under 18 and they felt i'm not ready to take the leap into being a staff member.

both my mom and i didn't know how to interpret this any other way than that they still blame me for what happened. that or its incredibly convenient that they actually refuse to hire 17 year olds the year that noah and i would apply to be on staff.

i might be able to respect this reply coming from someone else or if they had they said that the reason they wouldn't hire me was because i drank at summer camp once. i am an alcoholic, i know that. i know that i have screwed up in some big ways. but at least i take responsibility for that. tom has yet to openly acknowledge that it is his fault that charles was at cpc in the first place. the irony that i got refused a job from a man that got someone out of a crackhouse and then forced the camp to hire him did not escape me. its also somewhat comical that were i hired i would probably the only person on staff who didn't drink or use.

they've been trying one way or another to get my family to stop coming to cpc since it happened. by disrespecting and alienating my mother, by blaming everyone but themselves for said incident, by ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen, and now by not giving me a job on the basis that i won't turn 18 until YI.

a lot of my anger comes from being told that i am not grown up enough when i was forced into a situation where i had to grow up much faster than i should have. i have spent the last year and a half of my life fighting to pull my life together in a way that most people don't do until they're between the ages of 30 and 40. i'm not saying that i am in anyway cured or that my life is now completely together, but i feel like i'm doing pretty well for a high school senior.

i don't want to blame tom for what happened to me. it was not his fault. but it would be easier not to be so resentful about him putting me in danger if he took responsibility for it. my mother is furious and is writing a letter to tom, kat, and the board saying that our family can't go back there. my brother is sad that he's not going back to camp, but he understands why. and most of all, i don't know how to put cpc behind me. i don't know how to tell myself that it is no longer a part of my life. i don't know how to not be able to go back to the first place where i ever felt accepted because i have now been turned away.

so i'm going to stay in new york for a month or two this summer. i've got an obscene amount of relatives and family friends to stay with. so i'll crash in a couple of different places, go see my father's old neighborhood, see where my mother used to stand outside of grocery stores asking people in spanish not to by grapes to support farm workers, maybe even the mural of the man who would have been my father. i'll go to meetings with my uncles and aunts, i'll go bother natasha and jarrod, i might even go to ellis island to see if i can find out my grandmother's real name.

it's just hard to end that chapter of my life. but there'll be new chapters, new doors, and who knows? maybe even a new place that can take me for what i am.
Comments: 11 dreams - dream with me.

Gratitude List [11 Mar 2008|08:59pm]
So while i was talking to my sponsor today, i told her that since i got sober i've been feeling a lot of resentment and anger toward charles. something about thinking and talking about my drinking experiences and my past re-opens old wounds. since i'm not on the fourth step i'm not yet at the point where i can put all this on paper and work on it with my sponsor. so there were a number of suggestions she made. one of them is one that they say to do a lot in the program when someone pisses us off or does something... well anyway, they tell us to pray for them to get everything that we want in sobriety. i've been doing that, gritting my teeth the whole time. my sponsor reminded me that he is and was a sick man. passages in the big book are there to remind us that people can only control us if we let them. resentment is the subtlest way that people control us. i'm sure it all sounds really weird, but if you think about it, it makes sense. the other thing she told me to do was to make a gratitude list. so here it goes (in no particular order).

1. I'm grateful to be sober and in recovery

2. I'm grateful to be alive

3. I'm grateful to have so many friends in the program (and you guys too)

4. I'm grateful that i will probably graduate

5. I'm grateful that i do not lack any amenities or resources (such as food, water, warm house, clothes, a decent amount of money etc...)

6. I'm grateful to have a wonderful family that loves me (including my russian)

7. I'm grateful to have over 3 months sober

8. I'm grateful that i do not lack supportive and understanding people around me

9. I'm grateful that i (usually) have faith in my higher power

10. I'm grateful that i got into Americorps NCCC and will be going to sacramento

11. I'm grateful that i am not in residential care or an institution

12. I'm grateful that i'm going to mexico and will be warm for a week

13. I am grateful that through all this gratitude i can still remember my father's annual thanksgiving day toast "let us remember on this day that while we have a lot to be thankful for, we also have a lot to complain about."

thats all i got for now. i should go study for my psych test.
Comments: 2 dreams - dream with me.

i have to admit it's getting better, just a little better all the time [08 Feb 2008|11:43pm]
so, i haven't written in this since i relapsed. i've been sober now about two and a half months. (thats what it means whenever i write something like "Alli is 2 months old" on my facebook status). I have a sponsor. i'm almost done with the first step. i have a lot of friends in the program that i hang out with after meetings a couple times a week.

but its been hell. since i wrote, i thought i might have to drop out of school and go into residential care. then i convinced my parents that we should try out-patient care first. so i went into this shitty rehab program which is actually just this thing that tries to convince kids who get caught smoking weed in school to stop smoking and drinking. but of course, none of them have any wish to be sober, so it really didn't work for someone who was working their ass off just trying to stay alive. so i just started doing more in the therapy program i'm in (working sobriety).

alcohol withdrawl was hell. i was sick, tired, sleepy, and i kept shaking. i fell really behind on my school work (but luckily didn't have to drop out). my parents talked to my teachers and explained what was going on and they cut me some slack. i ended up getting two Cs, two Bs, and two As (the first Cs i've ever gotten on a semester). but i passed and i'm okay.

earlier this week i found out that i got into Americorps NCCC, which is the program i really want to do. but it was a conditional acceptance. i have to send in a form with my medical history, including any substance abuse problems and mental illnesses. so i don't know what will happen. but i'm not going to lie. i'm trying not to do that anymore. i'm also trying to accept the things i can't change.

they tell you when you go into the program that you never have to feel alone again. but if i feel anything, its alone. but i don't think its a matter of calling enough people a day or going to enough meetings a week. its just that while i know i have help in this, when it comes down to it, its just me.

but although i think about alcohol every day, i don't have the desire to drink. otherwise, i could be dead by now. i watched at least three people get arrested from my school for drugs. i've scratched my arms bloody the first time i was around alcohol. i survived the most deppressing month of the year without killing myself, drinking or both. i stopped taking seroquel, went on welbutrin and ambien, and then got off the welbutrin and ambien and now i'm sleeping on my own without medication. now i'm only on celexa. i've gone to individual therapy, group therapy, family therapy, and addition counseling. i've spent the last two and a half months of my life in church basements laughing and crying about what my life has come to.

and somehow, i've made it this far. so i guess, its getting better. at the very least, i'm still alive.
Comments: 1 dream - dream with me.

[26 Nov 2007|10:47pm]
wow i haven't done one of these in a while... anyway, only read if you want to know why i'm such a fuck-upCollapse )

i failed today. i drank. i really drank. my parents noticed and were scared. i was scared too. i went to a meeting and talked to people. and now i'm sobering up. i'm not going to school tomorrow. because functioning is not one of my strengths, and pride is not one of my weaknesses.
Comments: 2 dreams - dream with me.

we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanagable... part 2 [19 Nov 2007|10:41pm]
i went to a meeting tonight. after getting drunk, convincing a crackhead to buy me booze, and ending up having a conversation where i felt like i could really relate to her, the questions that have been echoing in my head took on a slightly different meaning. i went to therapy today, where my therapist has been trying to get me to go back to meetings for a while, and today, i ran out of excuses.

i went, but the hardest part was telling my parents. i didn't really say anything much. i didn't really have to. just the fact that i felt like i had to gave them enough information to scare the hell out of them. i wish i could have gone without them knowing. i wish i could still go on pretending everything was normal. i don't miss sitting at the dinner table knowing that everyone is wondering what to do about me.

i feel sick. maybe its because i have a cold. maybe its because i'm just too tired to try to hold anything but the bare minimum of myself together. i wish i could just ignore my family's thoughts and concerns about this. because their fishing to understand just makes this all that much harder. you'd think by now they'd get it. but no one wants to see what they don't want to see.

and the hardest thing to do is not to think about tomorrow.
Comments: 3 dreams - dream with me.

the farther i am from fine [13 Sep 2007|04:50pm]
so i got a small hole in my pants 3rd period. i was getting off a couch or something and my ass exploded out of my pants. no big deal. i was wearing blue underwear and it didn't really feel that weird. but when i was bending down to pick up something during lunch it stretched so big that someone could have stuck their entire hand up there and had room to maneuver (mauricio's phrase, not mine). and now i feel like i can't move the lower part of my body at all without my entire ass coming out so i felt really weird the rest of the day. i tried to saftey pin the hole together but it didn't work.

then i failed my guitar test because i hadn't done the song in a day and it was on a steel string guitar and i was nervous. so i failed and sucked.

all day i was having cramps which got a lot worse right before dance, so during ballet i was in extreme pain.

i stayed in my dance clothes instead of wearing my holy jeans and started biking to the green line and got hit by a car. i was okay, just a little scrape, my bike was fine too, so i just yelled at the guy and got back on my bike.

by this time i was just having a shitty day and i was on the green line looking like a dumbass from a dance class (rhyme ha). so i sat down on the floor of the train with my bike, put on my headphones and nursed my bottle of whiskey.

i guess its the little failures that all add up over time. its the small moments of hopelessness that weigh down on you more than the burdens you have to carry.

i told someone about what happened to me last summer, and for the first time in a while, i felt like he really grasped the magnitude of the situation through the nonchalant tone i try to keep when telling that story. and of course because he felt the weight of the story, all of a sudden i did. it fallows me; every time i drink, smoke, have sex, talk to someone i trust. it fallows me to every therapy session i go to, every movie i watch, every journey i go on i have to carry it with me. and i realized that it will be there for the rest of my life. the past can't be undone.
Comments: 4 dreams - dream with me.

wha? [19 Aug 2007|12:01am]
my mother just called me from her bedroom to tell me to turn the tv down. what is this world coming to? for those of you who don't already know this, i live in an apartment. my parents' room is three yards from the living room. when i heard my cell phone ring i thought "oh shit, its going to wake one of my parents up. who the fuck would be calling me at midnight?" when i saw the call was coming from home i thought maybe for some reason they thought i had left the house. then my mom says "turn down the tv." i laughed so hard the back of my head started hurting. i went into my parents bedroom and they were laughing just as hard. they wanted to tell me to turn it down but they were both too lazy to get up. my mom was about to yell (or talking loudly would've done it) but dad said "no, call her cell phone." this is an abuse of modern technology.

what would've been funnier would be if my phone was in the dining room or my room, where i'd have to walk past my parents' room to get my phone.

oh lord, kumbaya
Comments: dream with me.

those who choose [09 Jul 2007|10:04pm]
Asha was a girl that grew up down the street from me. her older sister used to babysit for me and we used to play for hours in the park. she was a couple of years older than me, and i always tried to do everything she did. we drifted when she moved and we started going to different schools. she graduated from kenwood, got pregnant, then married. she came to my mother when she had problems breast feeding. she used to come into noodles and i would hassle her about leaving toi a good tip. i went to her wedding about a year ago. it was in a buddhist temple. she had most likely the biggest wedding dress i've ever seen. saba, mom, and i talked about how quickly time goes by.

she died today. or yesterday. she killed herself. unless she didn't. no one really knows. my mom cried her eyes out. my brother shed his sympathy tears. my dad stood around and didn't know what to do. i've been watching the most violent movies i can get my hands on. they say everyone mourns differently. i just wish i didn't have so many goddamn times to prove it.
Comments: 5 dreams - dream with me.

oy vay [20 Jun 2007|10:00pm]
i've almost resigned to being a camper again at cpc. i'm just going to talk to mariah and see what its like up there. if its crazy i'll just skip it for this year. i'm just worried that because of tom and kat's hostility toward me i'm going to get into trouble. watch, one of the councilors will be drinking, leave their bottle around and then bam, fingers will get pointed at me. i don't want to jump to conclusions i just know what happened last summer will get held against me somehow.

but if i end up being a camper again (god help us). robin, you better find a way up for the folk opera.
Comments: 10 dreams - dream with me.

tom and kat won't let me come up to cpc without being a camper or having my mother. there is no way my mom is going to let me be a camper and she wants no part in being anywhere near kat or tom. these new rules that they're making are driving me insane. its almost like they're trying to make it so i can't come back. as if its not bad enough that everyone that talks to my mom blames me for what happened, but now i can't go to circle pines. cpc used to be a sanctuary or a haven. now it feels like they're excluding people just because they can. maybe i'm being over dramatic but i'm really fucking pissed off that i can't go see the folk opera.
Comments: 6 dreams - dream with me.

the only non-deeply rooted psycholoical post i've ever done... maybe [17 Jun 2007|09:24pm]
did anyone else get that they made dracula look like john lennon when he was first shown as young in the one with anthony hopkins and winona ryder (i'm purposely leaving out keanu, i think he'd appreciate that)?
Comments: dream with me.

Ann says Wampire [17 Jun 2007|09:00pm]
so i'm on a dracula binge. so far i've watched three versions of it and i'm a quarter of the way through the book. i projected the 1931 version at doc, watched the 1979 version on the random free movies on cable, and i just got the 1992 version on netflix. although wynona cleared some things up for me there was a lot of stuff they just threw into the 1992 version that has no basis in the book. however, because i haven't finished the book i'm not quite sure about a lot of these things. and of course the dracula with christopher lee in it (1958) supposedly is the closest to the book but the movie starts out with van helsing finding someone's body somewhere. van helsing isn't even brought up until seward can't figure out whats wrong with lucy. i mean, its not like i'm reading anne rice books or watching random vampire movies. i'm very careful and only watch ones that are trying to be true to the book.

so now i'm wondering what it is with vampires i'm so obsessed with. i mean first off, i've seen almost every episode of angel that there is (fuck buffy). then i watch a league of extraordinary gentleman and i fall in love with mina, and now i just keep adding more and more dracula movies to our netflix list and its turning my family's collective stomach.

i don't know what it is but when i see people getting brutally murdered or eaten or turned into strange beings, it sooths me. last summer when i got home from camp after struggling to tell my mom what happened to me, i couldn't sleep. i just stayed up all night watching the bloodiest episodes of Law and Order i could find. after a serial killer was shot in the face i was finally able to go to sleep. when i was younger, the sight of blood in a movie would give me nightmares for months, but now it makes me feel better?

it somewhat disturbs me. maybe its that i've had sudden urges to stab my mother with a pair of scissors or jump off the cta tracks that makes my fascination with serial killers and vampires kind of creepy. i guess i'm just not used to having non-sexual fascinations. or at least i think this isn't sexual... fucking Freud.
Comments: 4 dreams - dream with me.

a challenge [12 Jun 2007|11:21pm]
the guy thats been flirting with me for at least six months came over to my house today and told me that he didn't want to go out with me because i didn't speak spanish. at first i laughed remembering how elio spoke much less english than nicolas. i told him he had to make up his mind. he couldn't come in and flirt with me for hours and then say he was too scared to go to the movies. we talked for a while and he decided that he would stop. we talked more and i realized how scared he was, and how much he only wanted to be where he was comfortable.

i'm sick of people who lack adventure. i'm sick of people who never want to try new things. i'm sick of people who only surround themselves with people they think are like them. i'm sick of being the only person who isn't afraid. why am i always the man in any relationship? why am i always the person to make the first move? why am i always the strong one?

just once i would like to be weak. i'd like to not know what's going to happen. i'd like to be around someone adventurous. but it seems like everyone (cpc people excluded) is just... the same. everyone puts themselves into cookie cutter lives. everyone lives the life they think they're supposed to live. and they never stray from that path that they and their environment has chosen for them. its not just nicolas, its everyone.

sometimes it just seems like theres no one out there that wants to try anything new. i don't mean ethiopian food, i mean something uncharacteristic. maybe i should try something uncharacteristic, to see how hard it is.

so give me something uncharacteristic of me that i should try. and i don't mean keeping my mouth shut cause i've already tried that and it didn't work for me. give me a challenge.
Comments: dream with me.

bring me that horizon... [26 May 2007|11:11pm]
some days it seems like the universe just wants me to give up. for a while now i've been just barely holding on. i sleep whenever i can to avoid having to stay awake. i eat chocolate like its crack. i get less and less of my homework done every day. people are getting mad at me for carrying around a brown paper bag as much as i do. and no matter how hard i try, nothing ever seems to work. so i've almost given up.

on thursday i heard back from the book store i'd applied to for a job. i got a brush-off. then i got my ACT scores back and i got a 23. i guess it could be a lot worse considering i didn't take any test prep or math since freshman year. but those two things on top of my projectionist snapping at me for being three seconds late on a change-over were enough to make me not able to keep going. i said "fuck school" and didn't go yesterday.

it seems like every day more and more things that seemed to be pillars of strength to which could look to when i needed to see that there was still solidity in the world are starting to crumble. hope is starting to seem to me like rainbows. you're only sure you see them when you're high. but in sobriety, anything could be on the horizon. i guess thats the adventure in it...

Mariah and Robin's prom was awesome. i did wear molly's prom dress and i'll upload pictures whenever i get my crap together. which most likely won't be for another two weeks.

i can't wait for pirates... all the movies i watch remind me that i need more adventure in my life. but then again i guess it depends how you define adventure.
Comments: 5 dreams - dream with me.

Ah Juliet, when we made love you used to cry... [01 Apr 2007|12:47pm]
it took 8 months but it finally hit me what was taken from me. i knew that there was something i had before that i didn't have afterward but i couldn't put my finger on it. i still can't explain it but at least i know what it is now. but i think knowing is worse than ignorance.

i can't trust people. i have no ability to get close to people that i wasn't already close to. so i end up having casual sex and drinking until my mom looks at me with disappointment. no matter what i can't seem to get my shit together. and the more i fall apart the more i stop caring. the tears come and go but they don't fix anything anymore.

last night was closing night. great show. halerious techie show. and great cast party. i brought a bottle of whiskey that i'd bought on friday. i shared it with the few people who drank and i got decently dizzy. but i'm not sure if that was from the dancing or the drinking. so we're passing it around a small circle of us and my mom comes up behind me. being the experienced mother that she is, she quickly picked up that we had been drinking. someone said "here, alli, take it." and i quickly shoved it over into someone else's hands. i could tell she was disappointed in me. i had the person i gave it to subtly put the bottle into my bag and i convinced my mom that someone else had brought it. i hate lying to her, but i feel like its necessary sometimes.

at least its spring break so i don't really need my life under control for another week.
Comments: 2 dreams - dream with me.

[29 Mar 2007|10:58pm]
A guy from my school is missing. theres no reason to it. i would write a long entry about why our entire school has banded together to find him but the chicago police department barely bats an eye but i'm tired and the play that i've been slaving over since november is due tomarrow. there is no balance in my life. at least i have working (the musical) tomarrow to throw myself into.

oh and if i invited you to the "HELP FIND CHRIS PINEDA" group on facebook, its because you live in the chicagoland area and everyone should be on the lookout. we'd appreciate you inviting your friends as well. especially if they live on the east side or the south west side or the south side or even in near indiana.

and if not just say a prayer...
Comments: dream with me.

relationships are complicated and i feel funny [27 Mar 2007|05:46pm]
i really don't like this akward phase of relationships where you don't really know whats going on or if you'll even ever get together. i don't know what i'm doing. i probably shouldn't get into another relationship i don't have my heart in. or maybe i just have issues with any commitment.
Comments: 2 dreams - dream with me.

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman [25 Mar 2007|12:38am]
i've stopped juggling. i drove lamar home from the musical tonight and kissed him on his doorstep. i don't know what i feel, but at least i don't feel empty. its something.
Comments: 2 dreams - dream with me.

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]